i'm just jamie...

I'm leaving on a jetplane...

2010-03-21T02:51:00.000-07:00

I am so incredibly sad today. It is my last day in Northern Ireland with my brothers, sister, and nieces. I really hate hate hate leaving my family! I think it's stupid that we can't live by each other. And I hate the fact that I see them maybe once a year, if I'm lucky. Ugh.

But on a positive note, I have the absolute best family ever. My heart goes out to all of you who think you have the best family...you have been misled. I have the best family ever. Hands down. No competition. God has blessed me beyond belief with the most amazing siblings! And I just want to spend all my time with them! But instead of being Debbie Downer, I just try to enjoy the short times I have with them. So, if you are fortunate enough to live close to your family and see them on a regular basis, please enjoy the time you have with them. You never know what you have until it's 4,000 miles away.

spoiled brats.

2010-02-23T11:46:00.000-08:00

we are spoiled brats.

that has been my thought lately. and the more i think about it, the more pathetic i feel. i have come to the realization that i live my life with a blindfold on. i go throughout my day taking total advantage of everything around me. let me try to explain...

Ava, my three-year-old, is possibly the most detail oriented person i know. she doesn't miss a beat! i love this about her. we can be walking outside and she will notice the tiniest little ladybug and have to stop and watch it. she isn't concerned with where we are going or when we have to be there. all she cares about it experiencing this little creature. it's amazing how much i can learn from such a little person.

so that takes me to the thought- we are spoiled brats. we go through our days completely taking advantage of everything around us. as Donald Miller writes, "Life is staggering and we are just used to it." think about it. Life is staggering. a friend has a baby and we are happy for them and buy them a gift. but do we really take into account that this baby is a brand new life? it's just another baby. or sometimes it is just another funeral. sometimes it is just another sunset. Ava recently asked me to explained the sunrise and sunset. while trying to explain the earth's rotation to a three-year-old wasn't so easy but it got me thinking. i rarely even think about how incredible it is that the sun rises and sets, with such beauty, every single day of my life on earth and i rarely stop to even take it in. we are so spoiled. we go about our days with our oh-so-important agendas and forget about the simple-yet-astonishing things in life that God gives us everyday simply for our pleasure.

i guess what i am saying is, we have grown to ignore life while trying to live life. so take a step back, breathe life in, and enjoy what is surrounding you. it's amazing what you will find when you just look.

i'm baaaaack...

2010-02-18T14:28:00.000-08:00

Okay blogging world...I'm back! One of my new years resolutions was to write more..so here I am. I have been writing on paper but decided it was time to bring the blog back. I don't have to most consistent track record with blogging but this time will be different...I hope. So whether I have anything to say worth reading will be up for debate, but regardless, I will write.

Thanks for reading.

three months.

2009-04-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

i can't believe i have gone three months without blogging. i hate that. i love to write. i need to make it more of a priority. so here's a little update on my last three months.......

hmm...there hasn't exactly been that much change. i don't know if that's good or bad. all i know is that i am ready for change! (haha, i kinda sound like an Obama groupie..) i just want to be different. you know what i mean? i'm not content with who i am right now. i need a little spring cleaning in my soul. i have been through a lot of crap in the past two years and i'm just ready to be done with it all. i'm ready for a fresh new life! now i just have to figure out what this looks like...and how to obtain it...

a few things i want to change...i need to read more. i need to be online less. i need to write more. i need to consistently exercise. i need more daily communication with Jesus. i guess i just need to be more disciplined. this is the plan. i'll let you know how it goes...

obsessed.

2008-12-30T21:24:00.001-08:00

i am currently reading 'Crazy Love' by Frances Chan. it is an amazing read and i highly recommend it.

"People who are obsessed with Jesus aren't consumed with their

personal safety and comfort above all else.

Obsessed people care more about God's kingdom coming to this

earth than their own lives being shielded from pain

or distress."

i want to be obsessed. i want to care more about God's glory than my own life continuing without pain and distress. the past two years of my life have been nothing but pain and distress, and honestly i can't say that i have been more concerned about God's glory than my own happiness. i want that to change though. i want Him to change that in me.

is this really church?

2008-12-21T15:22:00.000-08:00

so this is my current thought : "i wonder how many of us think we are attending church, when really what we are taking part in really isn't church at all."

let me explain how i got to this thought. on friday, i had a financial emergency come up. it was $1100 and i didn't have a choice but to pay it. i only had a couple hundred dollars in the bank. this was a problem. i was...distraught, to say the least. i was hyperventilating and couldn't control the tears. i literally didn't know what to do. i knew God would take care of me because He always does. but let's face it, He sometimes allows us to go through hard situations. so i knew God would take care of me, i just didn't know how or when. all i could see was unpaid bills in my future! i told my family and a couple friends what happened, just so they could pray for me. needless to say, i didn't sleep well that night. the next day i told my pastor about it. again, just for prayer and wisdom. what i got was something completely different than i expected or am used to.

his words were, "don't worry. we will take care of you." excuse me? what? that's right. it took all of one second for him to hear my need and know without consulting the other pastors, that they would without a doubt, take care of my need. wow. i was speechless.

i mean absolutely no disrespect to the previous churches i have attended, but i couldn't help but feel like i have gone to church my entire life and this is the first time i have felt like i actually attend a "real" church. by "real" i mean, a church that has its priorities 100% in line with Christ and His word. this church puts taking care of its family members, and others in the community before a nice building with a nice mortgage payment. Christ calls us to take care of one another. to show His love to those who don't know Him. He never called us to have a nice building, with nice programs, and nice salaries. i have never felt like i would be taken care of no matter what hardships i go through. and i'm not just talking finances. i have never been prayed for like i have been at this church. i have never felt so cared for and loved. and it's so genuine.

the past two years have been the hardest of my life, but at the same time, the sweetest. i have never experienced Gods love like this before. i am amazed. after i talked to my pastor i couldn't help but think "this is what church should look like". i have attended church for 27 years and just now feel like i know what church really is. which brings me back to my first question...

"how many of us think we are attending church, when really what we are taking part in really isn't church at all?"

2008-12-19T21:20:00.001-08:00

honestly, ive just been too sad to write....

daily photo

2008-12-08T14:45:00.000-08:00

for those of you who like to blog, you might want to check out mydailyphoto.com. i just signed up for it today. instead of blogging, you just post a new picture everyday. it seems kinda fun. :)

i just want to be honest...

2008-11-10T20:36:00.000-08:00

i have really been struggling with the sermon i heard on sunday at church. i sat in my chair at church with tears rolling down my face. i knew i hadn't been honest.

you see, the guy spoke on ecclesiastes 7v16-18...it says:

Do not be excessively righteous and do not be overly wise. Why should you ruin yourself?

Do not be excessively wicked and do not be a fool. Why should you die before your time ?

It is good that you grasp one thing and also not let go of the other ; for the one who fears God comes forth with both of them.

in a nutshell, the guy was saying that as Christians sometimes we hold on to righteousness so much that we forget to be honest. we know that we aren't supposed to be wicked so we try to be righteous. nothing wrong with that right? but somewhere in the process we become excessively righteous, or so we think, and find ourselves lying about who we really are.

on any giving day, i have probably 30+ people ask me the question, "how are you?" to which my usual response is, "i'm good." now i know that a lot of those people don't really care how i am, and are just asking out of courtesy. but what about the people that do really care? am i being honest with them? the answer to that is simply, no. he was also explaining that we aren't being honest with each other within the church. the church is our family. we should be able to feel free to expose our burdens and hurts to one another. if we aren't being honest with our families, who are we being honest with? church should be a place of truth, right?

so i, of course, sat in my seat and tried to evaluate if and how i am holding onto righteousness...and not being honest. i thought of the scenario of a friend asking me, "how are you?" .... and that's when the tears hit. i realized i haven't been honest. not only with other people, but with myself. if i am really honest, i would say "terrible", instead of smiling and saying, "i'm good." if i was honest, i would say that there are many days where i feel like i can't make it. days when i can't get out of bed. there are days when i hate seeing other people happy, because i am not. there are days when i feel strong, but most days i don't. the past two years have been hell. there are days when i think it would have been easier if he had died instead of left. if i was honest, i would say that i am not sure of God sometimes. my head doesn't always match my heart. i am not sure if i really believe He is going to make things okay for me. people tell me that i will be happy again someday, what if i'm not? if i'm honest, i would say that i'm angry. my life wasn't supposed to be this way. there are days when i am fake to everyone. sometimes i feel like i am dying on the inside and no one knows. and then there are days when i don't feel anything at all. there are days when God feels ridiculously far away, almost non-existant. and some days He feels closer than my skin. if i am honest, i would say that there are days when i know He is there and will not fail me. and then there are days when i feel like He has failed me already.

i know it isn't Him though. i am human. we all are. i fail more than i succeed. i need Him more than i need air. i am tired of trying to be better than human though. i just want to be honest. i wonder who will join me?

why so surprised?

2008-11-02T12:51:00.000-08:00

so let me get this, the God of the universe, the One who created everything i see, feel, touch and smell, promises me in His word, over and over again, that He will provide for me. so why am i surprised when He does what He says He will do??? i mean, we are talking about the God who formed me in my mother's womb. He hung the stars in space. He created everything i set my eyes on. He is responsible for every single breath i take. He brings the sun up morning after morning. yet, every time i need something, and He comes thru and provides for me, why am i astonished? why am i surprised when He takes care of me? i am His child. i wouldn't let Ava go without something that she needs. and i don't love her even a fraction of the amount God loves me! God, forgive me for not having more faith.

"i want Jesus, Mommy!"

2008-11-01T13:02:00.000-07:00

once again, my two-year-old had taught me an important lesson.

ava has recently fallen in love with praying to Jesus. it started with bedtime prayers. i would put her in bed, we would sing a couple songs and read a book or two, then say our prayers. it has recently turned into a slight obsession. at any given moment, without caring where we are or what we are doing, she will clasp her tiny hands together, close her eyes and exclaim at the tops of her lungs, "i want Jesus, Mommy!", to which i must do the same and proceed to pray for every single person we know. (and she will let me know if i forget someone!) i, or course, think it's absolutely precious. although yesterday's spontaneous prayer session occurred while i was driving. i tried to explain to ava that mom couldn't clasp her hands together and close her eyes to pray because she was driving. of course, being a two-year-old she didn't understand this. and as a determined two-year-old, she was upset about it! so she proceeded to scream, "i want Jesus, Mommy! i want Jesus, Mommy!" while waving her tightly clasped hands at me in the rearview mirror. we were less than a mile from home at this point so i let her cry the rest of the way and we then prayed as soon as the car stopped. she was then satisfied and happy that she had prayed for everyone she knew.

now obviously i realize that i can talk to God with my eyes open while i'm driving. (it just happens to be unacceptable to my two-year-old!) but this little prayer fiasco made me think. how often do i let everyday life get in the way of my communication with God? and how often do i get truly upset when i haven't had enough time in His presence? how often am i willing to drop everything and pray at the very moment the Spirit leads me, regardless of what i am doing? to all of these, i would answer: not often enough.

just a humbling little lesson from ava.

infomercials...

2008-10-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

so i was sitting in my parent's living room the other day when an infomercial came on tv. i love infomercials! i was instantly drawn to this item. by the end of the commercial i found myself wanting to buy this item. my mom agreed. she kind of wanted it too! what was it?? the "Caulk Away- Caulk Rite Kit". now i'm sure i know what you are thinking.. "jamie, seriously, when was the last time you caulked anything in your life? or what in your house even needs caulking right now?" some people don't even know what caulking is! you know, it's the soft, white stuff in between the tiles in your bathroom! my mom and i laughed at the fact that the infomercial totally made us feel like we wanted and even needed this item, when the truth is, neither of us needed or would even use it if we had it!

so then i thought about how many times a day this happens to me. so i tried to keep track. throughout the day, i was also convinced that i "needed" a new car, an iPhone, a vacation, and even this towel that supposedly holds like gallons of water! ridiculous. once aware of my "need" of all these things, i suddenly heard this question loud and clear in my head, "how often do i think, 'i really just need more Jesus.' ?" much more often i am thinking, "i really just need an iPhone."

why can't i just be content with Jesus? why do i need more things that will only crowd my life? why am i jealous of people who have nice things but do not have Jesus?

i recently listened to a sermon on 1 timothy 6.6. the verse states "but godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied with contentment." so godliness + contentment = great gain. the opposite of contentment = covetousness. when we covet we say "God, you are not enough!"

how shallow am i to think that such things in life as a new house, new car, more money, etc. will make me more happy than Jesus?! a house is nothing more than some concrete, wood and bricks. so what if some are bigger than others? a car is nothing more than a huge piece of metal. so what if some are prettier than others? money is mere paper. so what if you have more paper than i do? Jesus is everything. He is the only reason my lungs work at this very moment. it has nothing to do with where i live or what number is in my bank account. i have Jesus. end of story.

"When we are discontent in where God has us, we are displaying our lack of faith in Him."

just jamie...

2008-10-23T19:33:00.000-07:00

so lately, i have felt like my head is going to explode. i have so many thoughts swarming my brain that i have to find a way to release them. and i am tired of talking. so here i am. typing instead of talking. i don't necessarily feel as though what i have to say is of utter importance to anyone. but i have to find a way to empty my head. so here i am. i can't promise that it will always be interesting, funny, or even thought-provoking. but it will be a little piece of me. just jamie...