i just want to be honest...

i have really been struggling with the sermon i heard on sunday at church. i sat in my chair at church with tears rolling down my face. i knew i hadn't been honest.

you see, the guy spoke on ecclesiastes 7v16-18...it says:

• Do not be excessively righteous and do not be overly wise. Why should you ruin yourself?

• Do not be excessively wicked and do not be a fool. Why should you die before your time ?

• It is good that you grasp one thing and also not let go of the other ; for the one who fears God comes forth with both of them.

in a nutshell, the guy was saying that as Christians sometimes we hold on to righteousness so much that we forget to be honest. we know that we aren't supposed to be wicked so we try to be righteous. nothing wrong with that right? but somewhere in the process we become excessively righteous, or so we think, and find ourselves lying about who we really are. 

on any giving day, i have probably 30+ people ask me the question, "how are you?" to which my usual response is, "i'm good." now i know that a lot of those people don't really care how i am, and are just asking out of courtesy. but what about the people that do really care? am i being honest with them? the answer to that is simply, no. he was also explaining that we aren't being honest with each other within the church. the church is our family. we should be able to feel free to expose our burdens and hurts to one another. if we aren't being honest with our families, who are we being honest with? church should be a place of truth, right?

so i, of course, sat in my seat and tried to evaluate if and how i am holding onto righteousness...and not being honest.  i thought of the scenario of a friend asking me, "how are you?" .... and that's when the tears hit. i realized i haven't been honest. not only with other people, but with myself. if i am really honest, i would say "terrible", instead of smiling and saying, "i'm good." if i was honest, i would say that there are many days where i feel like i can't make it. days when i can't get out of bed. there are days when i hate seeing other people happy, because i am not. there are days when i feel strong, but most days i don't. the past two years have been hell. there are days when i think it would have been easier if he had died instead of left. if i was honest, i would say that i am not sure of God sometimes. my head doesn't always match my heart. i am not sure if i really believe He is going to make things okay for me. people tell me that i will be happy again someday, what if i'm not? if i'm honest, i would say that i'm angry. my life wasn't supposed to be this way. there are days when i am fake to everyone. sometimes i feel like i am dying on the inside and no one knows. and then there are days when i don't feel anything at all. there are days when God feels ridiculously far away, almost non-existant. and some days He feels closer than my skin. if i am honest, i would say that there are days when i know He is there and will not fail me. and then there are days when i feel like He has failed me already. 

i know it isn't Him though. i am human. we all are. i fail more than i succeed. i need Him more than i need air.  i am tired of trying to be better than human though. i just want to be honest. i wonder who will join me?